Notes and Bibliography:
Prof. Hancock's Course
Notes, Part One
bibliography pages for futher information.
copyright (c) 1998, 1999,
etc. , Professor
Wando Hancock, University of Inner Silesia
"Pump me a new sardine and I'll give you
a rasher of bacon" is, as one might have guessed, an apocryphal
statement attributed to S. B. Beausoleil on his deathbed. Bonatelli
in J. Appl. Sardinophilia (June 11, 1993) has so poignantly
reviewed this bit of urban legend. The physical impossibility of
so many preserved bait fish gives lie to the statement (as if one needed
further disavowal). The anal impaction of said simmered piscine morsels
is all the more outlandish. S. Davis offered as much in her treatise
on SB's fixation with dorsally inserted preserved fish--her treatise suggests
that SB's idea was "it might be nice, but it won't happen." Davis
also proferred that sentient fennels were ruling the confederacy of world
banks, disguised as white Protestants and Jews, and,
as such, her methodology is questionable.
Ref. 1 above. S. Beausoleil was,
in fact, found screaming Irish epithets on a Baltimore street,
but he was NOT, as a thorough review of the police records shows,
wearing a strap-on beak. That was his true nose (cf. "Autopsy Report:
S. Beausoleil", from the City of Baltimore files, ref. 94,
David Horne, in the Review of
Applied Applications, states succinctly: "I have no review,
and it's not applied, if I had one." Yes. (Ref. Rev.
Appl. Appl., June 1972).
Cf. Walter Isaacson's Kissinger:
A Biography (Simon and Schuster, 1992). On page 385,
the text reads " 'So the president sent his crony John Mitchell personally
to Moorer...'". Vernon, in this excerpt, incorrectly
states that the crony was JONI Mitchell. There is a huge difference.
Cf. note 36. Canellonis seems to
be stating here that the crux of the biscuit is not, indeed,
the apostrophe. I think the available evidence proves him wrong.
Prof. Frank has dealt with this misapprehension in several instances.
What to make of this reference?
One can only hazard a guess. Cleanliness is surely to be sought,
but godliness is not listed on any of my soap wrappers. I beg to
Yet again a disavowal of FZ's biscuit/crux/apostrophe
conundrum. One wonders why the sheepdog appears so obvious in this
The astute reader has already parsed the
stupidity of this statement. One cannot eat a peach and slide a rind
down behind the sofa in San Tropez without observing the dark side of the
moon. It is simply ludicrous to suggest otherwise, unless one
finds a peach with a rind. "Peel", certainly. R. Waters
errs in his fruit.
Cf. J. Appl. Buttmonkey,
Vol. 2, June, 1993. "Bonobo" is not "Chimp". For shame.
I disagree with this citation, but
it is the only written tract available from the sect of homosexual Byzantine
street-sweepers to pass down after about 1450 A.C.E. One cannot use
the historical record to argue against their suggestion that Constantius
was indeed a swallower of wren lungs. Constantius was most assuredly
an afficionado of crow spleens, but wren lungs has yet to appear
in any reputable historical source. The lack of scholarly rigor in
confusing wrens and crows is to be ridiculed.
Cf. Inner Being and Outer Limits:
Rod Serling as Avatar, Perfunkshun Press, 1983.
I will allow that Horn is correct in his
assumption of Dicken's pederast leanings, but I fail to see the connection
between "Little Orphan Annie" and the natural medical condition known as
Blow Up a Monkey, Go to Jail,
J. Thompson, Everson, 1932. An enticing and yet sad book.
The preface is explosive.
Contrary to Lester's statement "...you
cannot get blood from a turnip...", you most assuredly CAN get blood
from said root vegetable. Provided the turnip has been injected with
blood previously. In general practice, 300cc of blood (or plasma)
can be injected into a typical 500 gram turnip provided the injection occurs
over the course of 30-45 minutes and the drainage of the turnip uses HPLC
technology. The blood will, of course, be of a different
quality after removal. (Ref: J. Am. Med. Soc. App. III June
Based on a more careful perusal of the
historical record, Fr. Evelyhn's statement that "Aidan was suspended
on gilded threads of heavenly origin" is better understood as saying "Aidan
was held up with a few wires and some vinegar-soaked chicken bones,
along with a nice rattan support that kept his diaper on."
"Ketone" is a chemical term. I think
Robertson was mistaken in translating the Beastie Boys song. I think
they said "Keep on..." rather than "ketone", but I could be mistaken.
Likewise the same mistake on Unkle's recording
The Marquis erred in his translation:
"vernal equinox" and "infernal Jack-in-the-Box" are anachronistic.
I support Levert's translation.
When the Hapsburg emperor Franz II relinquished
the Roman crown in 1806, he did not dance with a whore over the ashes
of Jimi Hendrix. Osterburg is surely mixing his sources in this poor
Sophocles, in the Loeb Classic Library
edition (p. 251) has Electra saying "You do not know where your feet or
your thoughts are carrying you." Spiff Hancock, in his review,
is quite in error when he substitutes "little fuzzy damned booties" for
"feet" in that passage.
"Menage" and "manure" are not, as
Kirkpatrick suggested, from the same root.
Not? I think so. Applause.
This "vernal equinox" versus "Equus" argument surely grates upon reflection.
I prefer Paul Newman.
Victoria Woodhull was, indeed,
a historical figure. She did not wait tables at the Ritz.
"Conjugation as a respite from ejaculation..."
should have read "Copulation as a retreat from punctuation...". This
malapropism has haunted DeJeuneur since the publication of her treatise
The statement "Every man has a dung-beetle
in his closet, though he might not admit it to the wolverines..."
will not be familiar to many readers. Attributed to Lenin,
circa the period from which his "What Is to Be Done" essays were derived
(1900-1903), this was actually a snippet from a Moliere play of 1669
called "Je me sens mal" ("I Feel Sick"). It is interesting to note
that, though the Moliere play has never been fully translated nor
performed in English, Lenin surely saw it during his sojourn in Siberia
(1895-1900). In 1896, a traveling Franco-German theater group
known as "Nicht Alles Gefallt Mir, Pierre", made a tour of the Siberian
labor camps, and part of their repertoire was an apocryphal copy
of the Moliere play mentioned above. The original folio of the play
was uncovered in 1974 in a two-up, three-down flat in Chestershire,
underneath the short leg of an unbalanced coffee table. Aside from
the curry stains on the page, the quote quoted above is legible in
The Penguin Classics translation of Nietzsche's
Spracht Zarathustra, Thus Spoke Zarathustra,
on page 117, differs from the Chilean translation from the German
into English. The Penguin quote "There has never yet been a Superman!"
is inappropriately given in the Chilean unauthorized version as "There
has never been a Batman that could do me like you hoodoo me so well."
One wonders what Sr. Gomez was thinking. Biographies of this translator
hold some clue: he was an inveterate glue-sniffer, and probably
Again, re: Nietzsche: Sr.
Gomez incorrectly listed the cause of the great philosopher's death.
Nietzsche was definitely not "run over like a splayed tamale by a truck."
Gomez claims Nietzsche was a member of
the ACLU. This is unlikely.
"Menage" and "manure" are again confused
by Kirkpatrick. This is especially grating, since Kirkpatrick
is referring to a "seasoned and enjoyable potpourri of herbs redolent of
a manure...". Later confusion with the Italian "mangia" leads to
execrable combinations, esp. vis a vis "manure".
Beausoleil, as mentioned earlier,
had no affinity for sardines. He was probably referring to "smoked
Modell and Reid, Thermodynamics
and its Applications, Prentice-Hall, 1983. There
is no mention of "a metric shitload" on page 132.
Substance abuse, though made light
of in many works, is no laughing matter. All too true when
reviewing the ouevre of Smythe-Wilkins, a known and incurable carpet-sniffer.
In the Rig Veda, we read "All this
hath he accomplished, yea, Indra, most gloriously renowned."
This is not a Power Ranger.
Ich brauche einen Eier,
Fritz Langscheisse, Zimmerarbeit Verlag, 1923.
Mr. Lowe has much to say about Singapore
and the Singaporean kidney stone trade. He, however,
gives little proof.
Rousseau, Of the Social Contract.
Particularly the section concerning buttmonkeys.
In the fourth century, the body
of St. James the Apostle was supposedly carried from Palestine to Galicia.
The severed head was included in the shipment. Severed heads have
continued to be important parts of the Western culture. Cf. "Beavis
and Butthead", ca. 1992, MTV.
Lollards, 1409, attempted
coup. Refer to previous notes. There's nothing there--don't
you feel cheated?
"As the once grey streets at China's heart
burst with neon pulses, Beijing soars inexorably up the global karaoke
index." Pg. 51, Beijing Guide, printed
for Grand Hotel Beijing. And I'm not making that one up.
"When the world is encased in an electronic
cocoon of interconnected computer networks, and more and more business
is international in scope, the issue of centralization versus decentralization
will be a global one." Page 217, Technopolis: Social
Control of the Uses of Science, Nigel Calder, Clarion/Simon
and Schuster, 1971. Real citation.
"This Egg: I Need More!",
Fred Longdump, NY Tribune-Observer, Oct. 11, 1965.
The author's use of eggs with motor oil has not stood the test of time.
Especially the culinary uses.
From C. Clemons and P. Bowen's fascinating
history of Hungary, Hungary--Nah, I Ate Already
(Bumfucik Press, 1985): "In 1485, after Matthias secured Vienna
for Hungary, a giant glowing spacecraft appeared and offered him
eternal life on another planet if he would die in five years. He,
of course, did." Matthias Hunyadi died in Vienna in 1490,
and, some would say, will reappear any day to lead the great
Hungarian takeover of the earth. The Bohemian historian D. Dismukes
disagreed with that scenario, but, since he was taken up on
the same spacecraft, we may never know his final comments.
2 eggs (beaten, with 1 T hot water
OR 1/2 T milk or cream), 1/2 cup chopped smoked fish (tuna,
salmon, or other), 2 T chives (fresh, chopped),
1 clove garlic (minced), 2 T olive oil. Heat oil, simmer
garlic over medium heat until brown. Remove garlic (leaving oil),
turn heat to high, add beaten egg mixture and cook until bottom is
set. Add remaining ingredients and cooks as an omelette. Add
reserved garlic before folding.
Package of Q-Tips, circa 1993,
back fold, small print. You cannot miss it.
About Jernigan's statements in Behold!
The Coatimundi! as referenced on this page, Johnson and Ramblewood
(1947, Nine Mile Press) stated "...this...is certainly...unequivocally...bullshit."
I would like to add, I'll suck the cilia out of my rectum if Jernigan
is correct. Even more idiotic is the scion of Jernigan's offspring,
Ruckman stated it succinctly: "My
brain is approximately 1/2 the size of the brain of a squirrel. Plus,
I have less nuts." One can hardly add more to that.
Much like the mole cricket, I might
add. Cf. ref. 32.
I disagree with Bobbix's interpretation
here. "Zoe Antagonistes", though in the mode of Sophocles'
other plays, does not include "place the paper in your mouth and
chew, chew like the ferret..." he posits. That line is,
of course, from "Antigone", and the play Bobbix references
was most likely written by Eccentrigorix, ca. 456 A.C.E., after
learning rudimentary Greek from Licentious somewhere in Northern Gaul.
This Ostrogothic bard, poorly appreciated and anthologized in our
era, deserves more attention.
Cf. S. Watson, "The Tangled Webb of Stupidity",
Yorker Bazaar, Jul. 30, 1992.
Soon after M. Monroe was poisoned with
sedatives in her drink, the Kennedy connections to the mafia discussed
the downing of a transatlantic jet flight. Their offspring brought
this plan to fruition. Pierre Salinger was involved with both.
Your intestinal tract is probably longer
than your driveway. If not, you should live in a smaller house.
Harper's Nation, pp. 34-37,
July, 1986. In particular, refer to the paragraph beginning
"That huge puddle of curdled blood and feces was simmering, but I had no
The connection between Kant, Fourier
transforms, and anal probes is certainly interesting, but too
difficult to summarize in this document. Suffice to say that saline
solutions and pig bladders have much more to do with modern philosophical
phenomenological constructs and aerodynamics than one might have thought
without some research.
That washer you had left over after changing
your faucet was, indeed, necessary. Do not shower.
The mole you continue to finger is probably
malignant. See a dermatologist. FYI.
From Goethe's unpublished letters:
"Schiller was a buttbiter. He was, and is. My (mein)
complaint cannot be expressed in words. He may suck my pancreas."
Wool is a natural polymer, strictly
speaking, with intermolecular links made through its cystine segments.
Legendre polynomials continue to be of
use in the on-line pornography industry.
"The image serves as neither illustration
or support for thought." Jean-Paul Sartre, The Psychology
of Imagination, Citadel Press (transl.).
The Bogomils and Cathars are direct antecedents
of "Melrose Place", so I am told.
The English poet John Skein (1632-1683)
said it best: "The wounds that rip my soul are numerous/ And my humerus/
Is rattling from your rap/ It is luminous/ Faintly gloomy, /but Gus spare
a little change/ For the rest of us/ We appreciate, as we masticate,
/ and pontificate on our/ lack of beans and chowder, shall we/ crowd
and clamor and strike your armor for a/ shot of tea and chives for the
rest of us/ homeless domesticus/...." Touching, especially
from one who only wrote poetry out of boredom. Skein was killed by
wandering rogues as he polished his gold pince-nez outside of Harwick.
He was stepping over a "rogue" on the street after kicking him. Ironically,
he was cannibalized by the "bastards". (Source: "John Skein: Ye
Poet and He Doth Not Knoweth It--An Appreciation", James Scone,
In this paragraph, we return to
"pump" and "sardine". "Pump", of course, as mentioned
in the text, attributed to "pompe", etymologically derived
from medieval Dutch (a conduit or wooden trough or pipe). "Sardine"
referring to the small fish, collectively (non-specific), probably
derived from the Greek antecedent of Sardinia. The two words have
nothing to do with each other, either in derivation, or in
most sentence structures.
Again, the Roman tutor Licentious
can be blamed. Not only was he a teacher of Roman niceties to the
Goths, he played a mean banjo.
Doctor Ronald Virag, a French doctor
who worked on penile disfunction, is suing Pfizer since "Viagra"
sounds like his name. Really.
Joni Mitchell was not harmed in the creation
of this page.
JACOFF: Journal of Applied Coeval Offerings
APESUCK: Advanced Perspectives of Succinct Knowledge
GOOBER: Governmental Observations of Berets (formerly the Lewinsky Magazine)
The above is copyright
(C) G Hancock, 1998. It may be used, with attribution,
as you see fit. Paste it on your forehead, put it on your pages,
pass it on. Please have the courtesy to reference the source if you