Greg's Unfair and Cynical Description of Pensacola Residents (or at least the ones you notice)

  • The Pensacola PERSON: General and Vicious Comments from One of Them--Finally, this section attempts to categorize the types of people you will run across in Pensacola, or at least the types that asshole cynics (like me) will remember. If you happen to be another Pensacola resident and are NOT offended by something I have below, please let me know, since I obviously forgot to include you. I'll start with myself, just to be fair. After the initial category, the majority of Pensacola residents will appear as one of the next categories to the average cynic.
    • The cynical, griping, complaining transplant that hopes for too much from his fellow man and ignores what good there is when it stares him in the face: Yep, that includes me. This type is annoying, but all in all, is infinitely closer to perfection than most of the goobers below. Pitiful minority, from what I've seen.
    • The military: There are several military installations, training facilities, associated bodies, etc. in and near Pensacola. So, there is a huge military and military-associated civilian population. Some of the military people you might meet are stereotypical "jock" types with little intelligence and a penchant for being obnoxious, grating, rude, boorish, slightly psychotic, violent, antagonistic, and/or generally reprehensible. However, most all of them are trained, toned, buffed fighting machines with access to firearms and governmental largess. For that reason, and the fact that I don't want them to kick my ass, these people are the salt of the earth and you will love meeting and interacting with them. A sure sign that you have encountered this type, if the encounter is a male, is flexing of muscles, guffawing laughter, and an unidentifiable vocal brogue that is vaguely mid-Western even if the person was born in Alabama. Most muscle flexing happens at the beach, on volleyball courts, on tennis courts, and in line at the grocery. Actually, anywhere. Female military types can usually be identified since they look strangely like the males, but sometimes with apparent breasts, and have the same flexing/preening/etc. habits. Most of the obnoxious male military members have extraordinarily beautiful wives or girlfriends. Many of the obnoxious female military members do, also, but if not asked, can't tell. Since I still value my health, remember, these people are the salt of the earth and you will love meeting and interacting with them.
    • The incredibly religious: My other pages document any number of examples of this type. Suffice to say that this IS the abortion-provider murder capital of the US. There are people here who REALLY BELIEVE that the King James version is the true record of biblical knowledge, as spoken. This group also includes the majority of area militia members, or at least I would guess. Characterized by lots of biblical stickers on the car, and usually sporting a quasi-military haircut, this group includes locals who daily preach on street corners (or in the middle of the road at intersections), outside bars and restaurants that serve alcohol, and "adult entertainment" locations. I have met few who have not shown other signs of mental illness. There are many other towns with a smattering of this type, but I don't exagerrate when I say that Pensacola seems to be either the fountainhead or at least the magnet for the most militant and fundamentalist. This group might be a minority by population, but is the most frightening by philosophy and deed.  To be avoided, since you can't shoot them. I'd consider most abortion protestors, all fundamentalists (including the Charismatic sects, the Brownsville Assembly of God attendees, the Christian Faith Center attendees, just to name some of the sects you might find mentioned in these pages), and all those loonies preaching on the streets to be in this group.
    • The moderately religious: Yeah, there's a lot of those, too. Let's face it: there are a lot of churches in Pensacola. I consider this group to include the religious who do not advocate killing doctors and who do not think the universe is just a few thousand years old. This group still includes a high degree of intolerance for other views. This would be the majority. You could substitute the phrase "politically and fiscally conservative" in place of "moderately religious" and end up with the same people, with few exceptions. Some of this type might actually give money to anti-abortion causes, or even join protests (but less likely), but would probably have a change of mind should the person making the choice be their daughter.
    • The slightly or borderline religious: They probably exist, but I don't know any. This group would be characterized by religious citizens who can tolerate other viewpoints. Analogous to a "moderate" or "right-liberal" political viewpoint, this group is well hidden here in Pensacola but quite common in many other places in the US. Maybe I just don't get out enough.
    • White trash and/or "dangerous" rednecks: No, I don't mean that risible, "down-home", Jeff Foxworthy or Jerry Clower type "good ol' boy", of which we have many and who are usually pretty fun to hang out with. I mean the racist, back-woods, ignorant (and happy to be so), worthless and usually white scabs on the ass of society. These are the Birchers and KKK members, the fringe militia and "patrolling neighborhood watch" types, the semi-employed and semi-literate crackers from the edges of the populace. Not a majority, but they sure seem that way; there are many here. As their entire being is subsumed by ignorance and intolerance, it is no surprise that this group overlaps the "incredibly religious" group. Usually hard to spot (since the mostly harmless and often fun "good ol' boy redneck" often has some of the same outward trappings), you have to ferret this one out either in conversation or in some other outward display of their mien (e.g. Letters to the Editor, Klan marches, "revivals" with "themes", etc.). There are some indicators, though. For example, a pickup with "Back Off" mudflaps and a whip-antenna and gun-rack is probably just a "good ol' boy" who would be fun to drink beer with; a pickup plastered with stickers that, when read in its entirety, is the majority of the book of Revelations is probably a "Dangerous Redneck" and definitely "incredibly religious".
    • The rest of the inhabitants: That leaves about 30 college students, 20 professionals, and maybe 3 school children not in the above categories. I don't count infants.