Raising a Godly Son (or even Daughter,
God Forbid)-- (2/26/99)
One need not look any further than the local newspaper or the Sunday sermon to realize that the youth of today are a motley group of immoral wastrels, sucking the ever-present teat of quick gratification and heathenish self-pleasure, and are the first harbingers of the American spiral into iniquity and sloth. And I blame the egotistical Baby Boomer parents of these cretins for the impending demise of this fine Christian nation.
Today's youngsters, who do not find it necessary to work and study, nor to drag water buckets from the well, nor to guide the plough behind Groober the family helpmeet, nor to even pretend to exhibit the basic trappings of civilized feces-slinging monkeys; these youngsters, they are the product of poor rearing and lapsed mores. The sucking sound you hear, almost inaudible, is what a moral vacuum sounds like, and the suction arises from this latest brood of terminally retarded and morally bankrupt pinheads we have allowed to be reared. And, unfortunately, the suckers in this scenario are the godly and anointed older generation that must look on in anguish and terror as these hellions drain all that is holy from our fine but hobbled society.
The firm guidance of godliness and Christian upbringing have taken a seat in the rear of the jitney to the twin evils of video games and rap "music"; the dual horror of "goals based education" and the lack of Bible study in their spare time; and the unmitigated maelstrom so reprehensibly expressed in this generation's abhorrence of a good enema.
When I was but a strapping bud, a mere babe, and then a young gentleman and citizen (and patriot soldier) in this republic, had I exhibited the moronic behavior of the youth of today, I would still carry the welts from Dear Dad and Ma Bell's straps. I would have been tied to the magnolia tree outside the front of the house, with a sign taped to my back saying "Devil brood", while passersby spat upon me. I would have gotten more enemas than you can shake a hot-water bottle at. Believe me, I know. Those horrors come from memory. I certainly learned never to leave Dear Dad's newspaper folded with the bottom half of page one facing up! And it is the lack of such stern correction that is the root of today's descent into Hell. If the spoiled Baby Boomer parents would do something to correct the idiotic mistakes of their children, akin to what Ma Bell did to me that time I miscounted the eggs on a cold February morn, our nation would be as great now as it was then. I'm not suggesting that EVERY young bud should be forced to drink two quarts of used lard while wearing a bib studded with roofing nails, but it might not be a bad idea.
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger," as Fred Neeche said. I agree. The corrective measures used by my family did not kill me, and I am a strong and upstanding, morally superior individual for it. Throw out the Nintendo and the Snoop Cat Dog Fight Doggy Poop CD's, and stop ignoring that dirty room! Grow a spine! Spank while the iron is hot, and accept no excuses! The ongoing existence of our very land is at stake.
Since the parents of today are the
source of the decay seen in the children of today, and since the
parents of today are unable to look beyond their myopic self-interests
to the basic truths and core values of this Christian nation, I offer
the following to them as a simple primer to use in rearing their children.
These are self-evident, common-sense truths, that have worked
for my forebears, and should work for you, if you can tear
yourselves away from your step aerobics and sexual partner swappings long
enough to read them.
I do not pretend to offer you a full overview of parenting techniques above. That would take more space and time than I'm able to provide. You should be able to extrapolate the fundamentals herein to some semblance of good parenting. If not, you deserve to be sprayed with gasoline and set afire when your adolescent offspring return from a crack-fueled binge one night looking for cash and your car. I'll pray for you.
God bless, and word up,
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