Buck Atmore Ministries
"The truth as God told me"TM
Buck Atmore is
a vibrant, God-fearing patriot, providing truthful and anointed
ministering to the greater Pensacola-Milton-Jay area.
Buck Atmore's Guide to the Rapture (June
1999-?)--Updated as Necessary
Since Y2K is coming up, and we all
know what that means, you might want to get right with God.
Really. Do it now. Fall down on your knees and say "JAYSUS--Hummus
chili putty dong work feryewda wakka wakka SHAZAM!" Your personal
glossolalia might differ from that listed above. Who knows in what
strange ways THA LOERD works?
It is a concrete and unchanging tenet of
most (if not all) Christian religious movements, sects, splinter
groups, revivals, and whatnot, that AS LONG AS YOU ACCEPT
CHRIST before you die (or before the Rapture), you are guaranteed
a place in heaven. Raped a dog and ate your daughter? No problem.
Shot a few people in a fast food restaurant? It is to laugh.
Picked up hitchhikers and stuffed their dismembered parts in a cooler while
driving up I-95 with a bag of crack beside you, smoking and drinking
the whole way? Fear not. All of you, and others,
can rest easily knowing that the Lamb of God forgives all, as long
as you're sincerely contrite and you say or pray whatever particular homily
your religion requires for salvation. Christians and non-Christians
alike might want to refer to Ezekiel 33 for more details (verses 10-33,
I believe). That's right, even the Jews can extricate themselves
from this mortal coil and attain salvation--Ezekiel is in the Old Testament
(and in that book those Jews call "The Tanker" or whatever). I take
this to mean that, even if you choose not to eat bacon cheeseburgers
because of your religion, you can still get a direct call to GOD.
The items listed below represent things
you should have thought about years ago, or are things you've thought
about already. This list might also include things you're doing now,
or have recently finished. The RAPTURE is close at hand, and
you should be prepared. (1) GET SAVED, and (2) pick and choose
from this list, or make up your own. Do them now. God
bless. The RAPTURE is right around the corner, and you'll regret
not taking advantage of the helpful hints listed here if you don't GET
RIGHT RIGHT NOW!
NOTE: The Bible says that
no man knows when the time will come. This caveat has been ignored
for close to 2000 years now. I don't know when it will happen,
but I'm guessing based on personal contact with my Lord that it will occur
between 1:37 AM and 3:43 AM on January 3, 2000. I could be
wrong, but I'm not.
Now is the time to have unprotected sex. In a few months, you
won't have to worry about disease or pregnancy.
NEWLYWEDS: Go ahead and write all those wedding gift thank-you notes,
telling the gift-givers what you really think about their crap. Mail them
2nd day air.
Apply for credit cards with abandon and without concern.
Based on my calculations of the denouement of the RAPTURE, you can
start eating nothing but Snickers bars, Twinkies, and ice cream
in November, 1999. Ascend unto heaven with a smile and a paunch!
Students: reply to any and all test questions with the answer "What would
Jesus do?". Refuse to answer any question not specifically addressed
in the Bible.
Who cares what the doctor said? Three packs and a fifth a day don't
make that much difference in the big scheme of things. There is absolutely
no admonition against bourbon and cigarettes in the Bible.
Buy anything that guarantees "no payments until January 2000". Buy
two or three. Share with friends.
Send a box of feces to random acquaintances. Make sure to sign it.
For best results, include a wound alarm clock in each third box of
feces. That way, the postal service will probably open it.
Get a sticker for your bumper or rear window that says "In case of rapture,
this car will be UNMANNED".
Drive like the sticker means something. Forget courtesy and skill.
I have it on good authority that those of you believing in nothing but
the King James Version of the Bible were right. Brush up on your
archaic English skills. Don't confuse "thy" and "thou". The LOERD
hates that. Likewise, get more proficient in thine smiting
Start a new crusade. We never did regain Constantinople, and
there are still Jews living in Europe. Address past failures.
The swastika is based on ancient symbols used in many cultures. Wear
your version proudly.
Go ahead and covet your neighbor's wife. Ask for forgiveness.
The LOERD is coming, and he'll be busy with other things.
Keep in mind that there are other wives just down the street. Covet
as many as you can.
If the wives argue, slap them around and covet them anyway.
The RAPTURE is coming, and you should be, too.
Cash in all your stocks, 401K investments, bonds, etc.
Buy whatever you want. Use it now. Really, NOW!
If you've ever dreamed of taking a bath in peanut butter and turpentine
(and who hasn't?), now's the time. The LOERD doesn't sniff
you after the RAPTURE.
Likewise, in a few months would be the time to take that deer-piss
shower, get that ocelot-semen backrub, or just lie about in
a vat of ferret testicles. The difficulty in getting this soaking
media should be more than reimbursed with glory after the RAPTURE.
Live it up!
Feel free to slap the neighbor's kid. It won't matter in a few months.
Pedophilia is a sin, but in the endtimes, some things are overlooked.
Covet thy neighbor's offspring.
Actually, the Bible doesn't say a damned thing about pedophilia.
Lot slept with his daughters. He got out. Why not try it yourself?
For more details, refer to Genesis in the Holy Bible.
Likewise the admonition society dictates concerning incest. Cf. the
Lot reference above with this statement.
Point out the "pillar of salt" clause if your wife or other helpmeet disagrees
with your randy ways.
Turn right from the left lane. The LOERD is with you, and your
car will pretty soon be unmanned.
Give the finger to every cop you pass. You don't have to worry about
points on your record in about 6 months.
Why bother with showering, flossing, brushing, and wiping?
The LOERD doesn't care. Leave all these earthly things behind.
Take 20 items through the "15 items or less" express line. Pay with
a 3rd party check from an out-of-state bank.
Bat your colostomy bag around like a beanbag in public places.
Covet your neighbor's wife a few more times. The time of the RAPTURE
is known to no man, and I can't be too exact.
WOMEN: Since you are not directed against coveting husbands (per the Commandments),
you may feel free to have sex at will.
In fact, that whole part about "not coveting thy neighbor's wife"
was pretty much disavowed by David with Bathsheba. Follow his example.
Read II Samuel for more details on covetousness and circumventing the commandments.
Whenever someone disagrees with your fundamentalist viewpoint, claim
"religious persecution" or "Christian-bashing". Actually, you're
probably doing that anyway. Just do it more.
Vote Democrat. It doesn't matter anyway.
Use "fuck" in every sentence you utter. The Bible specifically forbids
using the Lord's name in vain. "Fuck" does not appear in the Bible.
For example, you saying "Reverend Atmore, that fucking sermon
just smacked my ass and gave me the fucking chills" is perfectly acceptable.
In fact, you should be doing that regardless of the impending RAPTURE.
Try it! Nice old-world glottal utterances tend to help clear the
Spray biblical quotes on your neighbor's lawn with herbicide. Spread
the word! The grass won't be back next season anyway.
Take up snake handling.
If you're truly blessed and right with THA LOERD, handle snakes and
If you're TRULY and DOUBLY blessed, handle snakes, drink gasoline,
and smoke a pack of Camel cigarettes.
If you're ANOINTED and VERILY SAVED, drink a gallon of gas,
eat a live snake, hump (no pun intended) a camel, and light
If you've been SAVED and ANOINTED, and DOUBLY or TRIPLY blessed,
covet your neighbor's camel and/or donkey and smoke his wife.
If you can find a camel, you can probably find a monkey. And
you know what THAT means.
Get that mohawk haircut you've wanted ever since you saw that guy on the
street back in 1982.
Get that guy you saw on the street back in 1982 with the mohawk haircut.
Eat lots of beans, garlic, cabbage, and broccoli.
Stay in small enclosed rooms. If you're British, just continue
Women: wear tight shorts and halter tops and hitchhike. Make sure
to keep a bottle of baby oil in the non-thumbing hand, and a wrapped
condom dangling from your teeth.
Men: women really appreciate a virile example of male pulchritude rubbing
against them in public places. Try it. Tight tank tops and
half a bottle of cologne improve the effect (special note to Pensacola-area
rednecks--you're already doing this anyway. Good job!).
You know you've always wondered what really happens when you drop a radio
in the bathtub...
...likewise, the paperclip in the electrical socket...
...and what about trying to buy gallons of ether without a license?
When flying, carry metal pipes and blocks of modeling clay wrapped
in aluminum foil in your luggage. When asked, "Has your luggage
been in your possession the whole time?", answer "Most of it.
Make a sarcastic, sacrilegious web page. Invite deviants to
e-mail you. Make sure you have a listed phone number.
The Bible says nothing about intravenous drug use, bong hits,
or crack pipes. You might as well try them all.
Subscribe to every magazine you can think of and request them to bill you.
Learn odd words and use them incorrectly. This isn't a sin,
even for those unsaved, but you'll be able to look back on the writhing
condemned souls of those who know better and taunt them after the RAPTURE.
For example: "That brachycephalic weed-eater is quite coup de theatre"
should serve to piss off most of your more literate acquaintances.
Be blithe and obtuse.
Or maybe I meant scythe and abuse. See? It works.
Eat raw chicken. Pounds of it. Freshly killed chicken is best.
Better yet, eat raw pork fat. You know you've wanted to.
Make lard soup and smile proudly!
Rip the tags off your pillows. E-mail your local senator and tell him you
did, and you don't care what he thinks.
Beat people. Especially those who look foreign.
Experiment with different hydrocarbons in your garage. Can you REALLY
stick a lighted match in a bucket of gasoline and NOT cause an explosion?
Whatever you do, remember this:
you are chosen, you are saved, and you are soon to attain the
unbridled redemption which is heaven. Your extracurricular behavior,
as it were, as long as you accept the LOERD, matters not.
Isn't it time, after those many hours of self-reflection, introspection,
and devotional reading of The Scriptures, that you should have a
little fun? Relax. Unwind. Wreak mayhem. The LOERD
will forgive, as He has promised.
Back to Buck's
Back to Buck's
This page is a parody, if you haven't figured it
out yet. Content (c) Greg Hancock, 1999-2000.